Psalm 11

so as some may have noticed, I completely went off the radar screen for a while. To tell you the truth there were times where i wanted so badly to write.... to tell everyone how I was feeling to let it all out.... but i didnt because i was afraid.... afraid that no one cared, afraid I wasnt good enough, afraid that I couldnt change.... but then i realized something... Psalm 11 take home message for me at this particular point in time.... My Refuge must be in God, and not in other things.... it seems so simple to realize this... so blatantly obvious that you might sit there and say well duhh... but i think that to some degree we all know this but to truly believe it and say you have it is another thing. We take so much for granted because we have been given so much. There are people dying to read the Bible, the Word of God, and here i am having 5 copies of it and sometimes gracing it with a fleeting thought or opening the cover.... its just so wrong. and i know i have been trying so hard to get out  of the rut i am and start living for Him but until now i dont think i  recognized the fact that i was just saying the words... I wanted it dont get me wrong but I was afraid to go and get it... but in light of reading Psalm 11 I have discovered many things. For those of you who may not have a Bible I am going to write it here. 

Psalm 11 ESV

In the Lord I take refuge,

how can you say to my soul,

flee like a bird to your mountain,

for behold the wicked bend the bow,

They have fitted their arrow to the string 

To shoot in the dark at the upright at heart

if the foundations are destroyed,

What can the righteous do?

The Lord is in His Holy temple,

the Lord's Throne is in Heaven

His eyes see, His eyelids test, the children of man.

The Lord tests the righteous,

But His soul hates the wicked and the

ones who love violence

Let Him rain down coals on the wicked,

fire and sulfur and a scorching wind

shall be the portion of their cup.

For the Lord is righteous

He loves righteous deeds

the upright shall behold his face.

This passage has really tugged at my heart because it not only revealed to me the inherent problem of building my house on sand instead of on the Rock but also encouraging me to be better by letting Him work in me. I have not surrendered to his control. He is not on his throne as he should be, my heart has been long divided. I have time for all this useless junk and stuff that means nothing. This passage to me is split into two parts the problem and the solution.

The problem we face is trying to be righteous. We are like a sought after piece of land to conquer for the righteous. We must guard our hearts so as not to be over taken. And the only way to do this is to have God at the center. We must trust him in all things, He is our Fortress Our Mountain for when the storm of life and evil reaks its havoc on your life. the wind may howl and trouble may face you but HE REMAINS!!! The promise is that the gift of righteousness comes at a small price, you have to make a best friend. You have to marry your soul to the ways of the Lord and not want for anything but that. The love of the Lord will be the air that you breathe.... the sustenance to keep you going. I want a faith like that.... an unshakable holy bond between me and my savior. to KNOW i am saved, safe from any and every evil. To live as life was intended to be lived. basically I want to become a refugee. I want to be able to say I would die for my faith, or even just to read the bible everyday. but what i have realized is  I need this... it is not a matter of wanting anymore. This is not a matter in which I can play the fence, and get the best of both worlds. I want all of His world. I want a fire to burn in me so bright that others will feel the Joy and Peace He gives just be seeing me. I dont want this for me anymore i want it for him. He died so I could live. I reject him over and over but he remains faithful and true. he never leaves he just waits and I know that I will not be happy, will not find rest, will not find sanctuary apart from him. So i challenge you as i am challenging myself to try to give yourself to him. It is the only way to self discovery and happiness i know.... analyze the crap in your life.... discard it. draw close to the word and hold tight... seek out the counsel of God and make friends with it. I pray that you find the refuge of God and stay there. Its the best place ever! and I now realize it is the only place for me.

In God's Precious and Holy Name!

Yours in Christ,

Jillian

i need Jesus

ok so i just wrote this all down and it got deleted somehow... so that has made it a little worse... but as i was saying i have realized that my feeble attempts to try to have more christian friends and influences in my life have failed miserably... i feel like no one likes me... and sometimes i feel like they think i am a huge creep but i really am not intending to come off that way.... i just feel so alone... i feel like i can never get out of my own way... i hate my life... seriously because i just cant seem to die to myself... and i feel like a complete failure... like no progress has been made at all... even writing this down is hard for me because i am thinking... no one reads this... its pointless... but then i ask myself why did i start doing this??? and my answer was to be closer to God, to have an avenue to write it all down and have a committed however many minutes a day where i reflect upon my faith in my life. its not to make friends... even though i wish it was... so i guess i really have to see the light in all this and realize that although friends and a Church would be really nice it doesn't mean that it will make me a better person like that. but then again i feel like i com so far by myself and then slide so far back when i feel so alone... i want the encouragement of others and their faith to help me to grow in mine... i mean i know people with tremendous faiths but i seem to only be able to see them from a fiber glass box... there is no way that i can get in and for lack of a better word "play" and "grow" with them as God's children... its sooo fustrating... and at first i thought it was me... i'm trying to go it alone.. and maybe i am some of the time but there have been times that i was like God i know You love me and will send me someone to help me. and it doesnt come... i feel like Job, but i mean i dont really have a faith like Job.... i am withering under this test and i dont want to... i cant do it on my own and i dont want to! i just wish i had somewhere to turn. lately i pick the Bible up and its like jibberish or something... a little voice inside my head is like... you can never do this and i answer no i cant but God can and then the voice goes... Where is God in all this? You are trying hard to find Him and let Him work and He is not showing any signs of being here? Maybe He doesnt like you too? and i think gee whiz and get all discouraged... i am trying to be patient i really am but i am so discouraged... i echo the words of King David..."my God my God why has Thou foreshaken me?" this is definitely a dry spell in my faith and i will just have to push through it and try my best to not take it into my own hands but trust that God will act. when i do not know... i hope sooner rather than later... but i know He will come!

mehhh

i feel pretty crappy today... there is no use in denying it.... i look like poop, feel like poop, basically the only thing keeping me from being poop is that im not brown and fit in a toilet.... sorry for the imagery... i have been struggling lately. I want to do so many things, and want things to come together in so many ways... but i always fail to realize Gee Whiz Genius you are not God!! this has been an issue lately... i am seriously lacking in everything that would make me even remotely able to be considered a Christian lately.... and the worst part of it is ME!!! i know whats right and yet when push comes to shove do whats wrong.... im like one of those rats in a scientist maze that keeps shocking myself thinking i can go that way.... but i cant. I dont know i guess it stems from the fact that there arent many things in my life right now that bring me closer to God.... i have been trying to reach out because i need help and it seems like Satan is having a field day with not only my insecurities but also just my life in general... i seriously want a family of God... i want that fellowship... i have been without it for like 4 years now and was burned so badly im afraid to go back.... my church at home kinda fell apart and my friends from youth group went there seperate ways.... and i am just left here going huh? i wish i had friends that were a daily influence in my life that built me up in terms of my relationship with God... not that my friends are bad... they just dont have God as priority numero uno which makes it soooo hard for me to get there... and the small number of friends i do have are in the boat with me.... i feel like im constantly bailing water out of a boat that is sinking... you see instead of being like God save me.... i go o my there is a leak in this boat...what can we do to fix this.... and then i just start tryin to help.... like i will go out of my way to help others with their faith issues and just neglect my own... its soo hard!!!! so i am trying to lay it all on Jesus right now.... despite how awful i feel about it, because i know He is the only one that can make it go POOF!!! GONZO! I want to trust Him in my life and have Him control it... its just so hard to do that on my own, not having a secure support system behind me... i just wish i was a stronger individual so i could bravely jump off the cliff that is my life and know that God will catch me.... see im more of the person that needs people behind me and going its ok... there He is... He wont let you fall.... at least i think thats my problem.... i dont know.... i just hope and pray that He will work in my life and anyone else who needs Him like this.... because all we need is Him!!

 

Patience is a virtue....

have you ever had one of those times where someone quoted the ever so famous adage "patience is a virtue".... well i feel like it has been haunting me for like a long time now... i havent quite got the memo that i should sit back and trust God... i'm more of a do it yourself kinda person... but if i ever hope to have a strong and close relationship with my God I am going to need to let go of the reins and take a ride...without being in the drivers seat.... if i really and truly want the life God has for me then it has to be in His timing not mine...easier said than done though

i guess the reason why i struggle is that God gives you what you need when you need it and not a second before... this whole last minute skate by type thing is not how i like things and i find myself having to trust Him in this way all the time.... this exercise in trust usually results in me deciding its too hard and trying to circumvent the situation so that i can get things moving along....boy does that mess things up royally.... i wish that i could have the ability to recall the amount of times i have done this and been like wow you dope you have been here before, cant you learn from your mistakes? i guess im just hard headed or something. but i am going to try an experiment this week. I am going to cast my anxiety on God and try my darndest to be trusting of Him in first the little things... like will i make it to class on time... then to progress to bigger things.... taking baby steps toward walking with God... 

this idea has kinda sprung from the sermon my pastor gave the last sunday i was home and went to church.... he read us the book of Jude and used it to show us that in all things we are to trust God and to find our strength in Him and the way to do this was to grow in Him. To take babysteps toward running with God... i mean whoever heard of a baby running right out of the womb anyway?? the point is it is a learning process designed to help us turn away from ourselves back to the one who knows us best. So personally i want to make it a resolution (well not a new years one but more like a new life one) to commit to learning how to walk with God and to try to Give myself to Him in a way that makes the human ucky person die and the reborn and glorious follower of God emerge.

Hopefully i will stick with it and it wont be one of those folky fad diet things, because i want it to be a permanent change. So please pray for me, that i may resist the temptation to give into myself. I pray that others too may learn from me or choose to journey with me. I think it will be worth it! : ) 

as always i will keep you posted

A moment of Clarity...

so its been a while since i last wrote... a lot has happened... Bless God that He has used it for His Glory and I am all the better for it... i dont want to keep you all in suspense so i guess i will elaborate. last semester at school was really hard. i transfered to a new school and for those of you that know i have depression had a bad relapse into it.... it was pretty bad... anyway, God did not forsake me in this time though and He has used it to produce so much good out of a really bad situation that i have to remember to thank Him for His Mercy everyday... but anyway... my life to put it bluntly has been in shambles for a while now... its so funny how we let life get away from us and how the things that in your mind were priority number one become the bottom of the abyss.... i dont know exactly when or how but God became a back burner topic... and since that point i have felt like there was something missing, like a person who lost their way in a paper bag to put it bluntly. But about the end of the semester the time i started writing this blog i had a moment where i knew i was the problem... my disobedience and just plain human nature had taken the throne of my life and decided to throw a wild party...and that was not the way to live. I have always had some presence of the church or the notion of God in my life whether it was school, my immediate family or church. through my various experiences i have met people that are so on fire for God that its just simply undeniable. For as long as i can remember I have wanted that... wanted to walk among those people and fellowship with them learn from them... but i have always told myself I cant be apart of that.... they wont like me, im too dirty... i believed those lies even up until right at this moment they somehow creep in and say you arent worthy But the truth is God tells me different... and its one thing to say you know this because you can know it but another thing altogether to believe it... to begin to live it out in your everyday life.... to embrace it like a luxurious coat that will keep you warm and safe from all sorts of dangers... it really isnt a hard thing to do... it just recquires that we step outside ourself, give ourselves away and trust someone completely...its hard... its like we are babies with extreme fashion senses that look to our maker and say "um uh uh i aint wearing this what will others see?" but that is the worst philosophy and attitude you can take.... imagine knowing a God that you trust with a faith like Daniel, or Rad Shak Mi Shak and Ebendigo (sorry about the spelling) that u could trust Him to throw you in the face of death and still know that whatever happens you are safe in the hands of your God. I think thats amazing... personally the fire those people must have exhibited must have been awesome... but the thing about this fire that seems to make me so ravenously hungry for it... is it changes... it has the alluring ability to get better with time... as you grow closer to God and your relationship blossoms it grows too....becoming even more beautiful... and i dont know about you but i think that i want that in my wardrobe.

I guess the point i am trying to get at is that i have realized that I have nothing to do with it, He is the sculptor and I am the clay.... I am what He designs.... i mean can you imagine how completely ridiculous we look to Him everyday... its like a lump of clay looking up to an artist and saying "hey bub im definately a vase not a plate...geez!" 

anyway... im looking forward to trying to be open and ready to accept what God wants for me in my life. I keep you posted!

The End is Near....

Well I am sitting here, perpetually cramming for my Microbio final... thinking to myself.... I AM A STRESS BAG... then I thought gee whiz aren't you supposed to be giving this all to God Jillian. Because that's what i set out to do this week and from now on. Anyway, so i realized that I need to make more time in my life for God and that this test is going to be okay. God has my back! So i just wanted to spend a little time praising him this morning.
I want to praise and thank Him for everything He has so generously giving me. My family, my friends, my opportunities, and last and most importantly Him. These past couple of days have really taught me that I need to rely on Him more despite the onslaught of temptation and doubt that hits me everytime. I need to remember that He pulls through every time maybe not when I would like, but in His Time, which is always the perfect moment anyway. I thank Him that He has given us such a beautiful day in connecticut seeing that the whole of MASS back home lost heat and power. I thank Him that He gave the people back home places and people to go to in their time of need so that they were not alone and afraid. I thank Him for the Grace and Mercy He has shown my family in this bad economic time in keeping both my parents jobs safe. I basically want to thank Him for being Him and just loving each and everyone of His people the same.
There are also some things I would like to pray for and if you want to pray for them too that would be great. The first is His direction for my life. I think I may have figured it out but I need some encouragement and continued prayer to know that I am on the right track and that it is His will being done and not my own. The second is I want to pray for the work being done in Bethany Needham's heart to build a health clinic in Africa. I pray that if it is God's will for that to happen than it will be done. It is a great idea, and a true testament to God's love and I wish her and all involved the best of luck. I am going to try to help the efforts as best I can but I figured if i put it in the blog that maybe some other people might see it and want to help too. Even if it was just to pray for those involved.

Anyway, I praise God for this beautiful day and pray that I will be reminded of His Awesome Love even if things do not go as planned or as smoothly as I would like.

Yours in Christ,
Jillian

Day 3 of Finals and a bunch of other randoms....

Well it is day three of finals... wooo... and i have my physics final today, which i am less than thrilled about but anyway. I will begin with the happier notes and end with the one that is like OH MAN. on the happier side of things I found the perfect christmas gift for my boyfriend yesterday. I was so excited you have no idea how hard he is to shop for. This means that Operation Jingle Bells is almost done. and i have successfully found gifts that i think everyone will like. I am excited. I also got my class dropped. The one that I was doing poorly in. This is great news because I am able to go through the rest of finals week with that weight off my shoulders.  Praise God for coming through yet again. I knew He would!! I got like no sleep last night because I had ants in my pants and couldnt shut up. My poor roommate. Of all nights to do it, it was the better one but its still finals week. I dont know why i was so antsy. Maybe its because she is not going to live with me next semester and I am constantly wondering what I did. She said it wasn't anything i did but i still feel like its my fault. I hope i didnt offend her. So that means that I will have this big lonely dorm all to myself next semester unless someone moves in unexpectedly. I am kinda sad. I havent made many friends since being here and i do not want to be any more lonely than i already feel. But I am sure God has a plan with this and all and i will just have to Trust that He will take care of me. A lot easier said than done, at least in my case. i wish it was different and i am working on it. Or well better said, i am trying to let Him work on it. But anyway, I do want to wish my roommate the best. She is a good person and I hope she will be happier moving in with her friend. I cant say I blame her, if my friend was here and i could move in with them i would want to too. I pray that she has all the success she wants and that she will one day find God, or well decide to have a relationship with Him. I also pray for her to do well on the final that she has because i kept her up so late. Darn me and my italian nervous chatter!

I also pray for the Strength to keep a good attitude and try to focus on what God would have me do and on the needs of others instead of the yuckiness of my life right now.

Yours in Christ,

Jillian