i need Jesus

ok so i just wrote this all down and it got deleted somehow... so that has made it a little worse... but as i was saying i have realized that my feeble attempts to try to have more christian friends and influences in my life have failed miserably... i feel like no one likes me... and sometimes i feel like they think i am a huge creep but i really am not intending to come off that way.... i just feel so alone... i feel like i can never get out of my own way... i hate my life... seriously because i just cant seem to die to myself... and i feel like a complete failure... like no progress has been made at all... even writing this down is hard for me because i am thinking... no one reads this... its pointless... but then i ask myself why did i start doing this??? and my answer was to be closer to God, to have an avenue to write it all down and have a committed however many minutes a day where i reflect upon my faith in my life. its not to make friends... even though i wish it was... so i guess i really have to see the light in all this and realize that although friends and a Church would be really nice it doesn't mean that it will make me a better person like that. but then again i feel like i com so far by myself and then slide so far back when i feel so alone... i want the encouragement of others and their faith to help me to grow in mine... i mean i know people with tremendous faiths but i seem to only be able to see them from a fiber glass box... there is no way that i can get in and for lack of a better word "play" and "grow" with them as God's children... its sooo fustrating... and at first i thought it was me... i'm trying to go it alone.. and maybe i am some of the time but there have been times that i was like God i know You love me and will send me someone to help me. and it doesnt come... i feel like Job, but i mean i dont really have a faith like Job.... i am withering under this test and i dont want to... i cant do it on my own and i dont want to! i just wish i had somewhere to turn. lately i pick the Bible up and its like jibberish or something... a little voice inside my head is like... you can never do this and i answer no i cant but God can and then the voice goes... Where is God in all this? You are trying hard to find Him and let Him work and He is not showing any signs of being here? Maybe He doesnt like you too? and i think gee whiz and get all discouraged... i am trying to be patient i really am but i am so discouraged... i echo the words of King David..."my God my God why has Thou foreshaken me?" this is definitely a dry spell in my faith and i will just have to push through it and try my best to not take it into my own hands but trust that God will act. when i do not know... i hope sooner rather than later... but i know He will come!