mehhh

i feel pretty crappy today... there is no use in denying it.... i look like poop, feel like poop, basically the only thing keeping me from being poop is that im not brown and fit in a toilet.... sorry for the imagery... i have been struggling lately. I want to do so many things, and want things to come together in so many ways... but i always fail to realize Gee Whiz Genius you are not God!! this has been an issue lately... i am seriously lacking in everything that would make me even remotely able to be considered a Christian lately.... and the worst part of it is ME!!! i know whats right and yet when push comes to shove do whats wrong.... im like one of those rats in a scientist maze that keeps shocking myself thinking i can go that way.... but i cant. I dont know i guess it stems from the fact that there arent many things in my life right now that bring me closer to God.... i have been trying to reach out because i need help and it seems like Satan is having a field day with not only my insecurities but also just my life in general... i seriously want a family of God... i want that fellowship... i have been without it for like 4 years now and was burned so badly im afraid to go back.... my church at home kinda fell apart and my friends from youth group went there seperate ways.... and i am just left here going huh? i wish i had friends that were a daily influence in my life that built me up in terms of my relationship with God... not that my friends are bad... they just dont have God as priority numero uno which makes it soooo hard for me to get there... and the small number of friends i do have are in the boat with me.... i feel like im constantly bailing water out of a boat that is sinking... you see instead of being like God save me.... i go o my there is a leak in this boat...what can we do to fix this.... and then i just start tryin to help.... like i will go out of my way to help others with their faith issues and just neglect my own... its soo hard!!!! so i am trying to lay it all on Jesus right now.... despite how awful i feel about it, because i know He is the only one that can make it go POOF!!! GONZO! I want to trust Him in my life and have Him control it... its just so hard to do that on my own, not having a secure support system behind me... i just wish i was a stronger individual so i could bravely jump off the cliff that is my life and know that God will catch me.... see im more of the person that needs people behind me and going its ok... there He is... He wont let you fall.... at least i think thats my problem.... i dont know.... i just hope and pray that He will work in my life and anyone else who needs Him like this.... because all we need is Him!!