Thanksgiving, Soul Searching, and an Abrupt Crossroads...

well to say the very least i have gone off the radar in the last week, my sunday started so good. I went to the wide awake event that some people might have heard about on facebook, it was a worship event put on by Andy Needham and his band at Chapel of the Cross and was a truly uplifting spiritual event... they dont fool around when it comes to worship, so if you enjoy giving it all to Jesus and worshiping with your brothers and sisters I definitely would recommend that you go! I hope that God continues to bless them in their ministry and thank Him that He has worked in them to touch so many lives, including my own!!!

That said i had a preverbal downward spiral after that night, i havent really gotten the chance to sit down and think about it but it was just bad. this is because i tried to be in the drivers seat... might as well put a mannequin with a lead foot on the accelerator aiming for some trecherous fall into the abyss... i let down my guard for just a second and it was the worst time in terms of keeping the faith that i have faced since commiting to giving my whole life to Jesus reins and all. But as i sit here and mull over the events, i have to thank my lucky stars that God is so merciful because even though i couldnt hear him through this storm i felt his presence.

well anyway, some of you may be thinking what could have happened that could have been so bad... well the events of my week went well... i saw old friends and family and made many memories to cherish.. but two things were wrong, ( this could be described as mentally and emotionally effective rather than physically) 1. the war for my heart raged like a bad forest fire and 2. the direction of my life sort of turned upside down and fell over on itself until i really didnt know where i was going anymore (sort of still dont)

but anyway the bottom line with the war for my heart is i didnt include God at all in anything or thank Him for anything that happened to me or for the realization of anything i already had... instead i went back to my old way of thinking... ME ME ME!! gosh it is fustrating to both realize and admit that to be true. I deeply regret not trying to at least talk to God at all last week, no wonder i was attacked like a lamb in a mine field!!! but anyway, i guess the point of even mentioning this is for two reasons... the first being that even though you may stray God is there and loves and cares for you so deeply so RUN back to Him His arms are open...the second is that i know i cant go this alone... and i am so hoping that God will send me the right person, event, church, or anything that He can use to help me. I struggle immensely due to personal issues i have, the list of which is rather long and will probably be revealed over time, but my number one problem is i am deathly afraid of asking for any help or talking to someone so that they might be able to help... i cannot tell you how many times i have probably missed out on a real life saver God threw my way due to my own fear and instability. so this i figure is a good step to admit i have this problem... and some of you may wonder why it is so hard... its not exactly because of pride... well not the traditional form anyway... its more of a matter of not wanting to bother anyone, feeling that if i tell someone i will burden them and i do not want to do that.... and the other reason is that there is a small part of me that seems to grow bigger when i think about asking for help that says THERE IS NO HELP!!! which in my heart i know is not true but it's hard to get over that notion...so therefore i pray that i can be more open to what God might want to send my way and that He may encourage those who feel like i do, i know that i am probably not alone and it saddens me to know this... i pray that people who are in my situation will realize that God is the way the truth and the life and He is able to help them if only they let him...

so needless to say i have been really finding out a lot about myself and my for lack of a better word "stupid" tendencies... but the other thing i have been confronted with is the fact that i am at a huge crossroad... for those of you who do not know me, i am in pharmacy school, and well holding my own but organic chemistry is really giving me a run for my money... needless to say i might not pass it this semester which has my mother and father very well "concerned". This is what is really weighing on me. i dont know how to hear God... i dont know what it means to be able to pick out his will from all the voices/thoughts in my head... my mother has said you know you are doing God's Will when you do what you do very well and it comes naturally to you... but what about the people that have to struggle in order to be able to relate/appreciate where God brought them? What if i am supposed to do this but take another year and use this experience later on to witness to the sovereignty and timing that only God has?? or what if i am on the wrong path and i am supposed to do something else?? i am worried that if i am supposed to do something else it wont go over well and i know that whoever suffers in the name of God will be rewarded but i dont know if i can bear to disappoint my parents and or everyones expectations... i want to please God and this is my endeavor but i want everyone to be happy and not to be upset with me... i dont know if i can handle that tribulation.... i guess the bottom line is i need prayer and i need God! Please pray for me, i would greatly appreciate it, i am praying for those in my situation, ones that are similar and or completely different...  i am praying that Our desire to serve God will prevail and that people will see that God is sovereign and whatever He has for us is a light to the world, a testament to His Glory.

Praying fervently!

~Jillian

"pray without ceasing" 1 Thessalonians 5: 17

"Be strong and Courageous, do not be terrified do not be discouraged for the Lord Your God is with you until the end of the Age" Joshua 1:9

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. " Jeremiah 29:11

"many are the plans of man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails" Proverbs 19: 21